Week 1: Revenge is a Meal Best Served Cold
Well fellas, it’s been a long time coming! But like an aging quarterback who just can’t stay retired, here I am—back with the first Commissioner’s Review in over seven years. The catalyst? Let’s just say some “unexpected free time” has allowed me to readjust some of my attention back to this joyous pastime.
And I must admit, I’m feeling a calming sense of nostalgia, even as I type this. Like that cool September night at Yankee stadium, hearing *Enter Sandman* as Mariano Rivera jogged in from the bullpen for the final time. This just feels right. And let’s be honest, it’s long overdue. Not just for my mental health, but for yours, too. We’re all grinding, trying to balance the chaos of life as husbands, fathers, breadwinners, and of course, as fantasy football owners. Yet, this league, this sacred space, is the one time each week where we can step away from the wives, girlfriends, children, and coworkers, and engage in the purest form of friendship: talking shit in an attempt to give our closest compadres that final push over the edge of the cliff... Every now and then, my wife will walk down the stairs and find me on the couch, silently smiling as I type away on my phone: “who are you being mean to this time Zach?”’ … I offer a simple chuckle in response because she’ll never get it. The more we roast each other, the stronger the bond. That’s what makes the JNIC Fantasy Football League special. Sure, we’ve evolved from young teenagers into cultured and sophisticated men; from army fatigues to calf-high socks and canvas sneakers, proudly witnessing and applauding each other’s progressions through the various vicissitudes of life’s ever-changing variables: at weddings, baby showers, kids’ birthdays, and so much more. But nothing… nothing depicts the beautiful complexity of our 21-year friendships like mercilessly berating into each other’s terrible fantasy football roster. That, my friends, is love.
And in classic JNIC fashion, Week 1 didn’t disappoint. We waited nine months for this—the start of another fantasy season—and there’s no better feeling than kicking it off with a W. For half of the league, we commenced the season ‘undefeated’. Though, let’s be real, not all of those victories were expected. Five out of six winners? Sure, they were probably expecting to come out on top. I’m not sure the same could be said for our buddy Zayn. All who were in attendance in Costa Rica noticed our guy Z waving the proverbial white flag 45 minutes into the draft. You remember the scene — “Tyreek Hill, $70 … going once, twice, sold to Zayn!” … Seventy lurks for one player?! Deserving? Yes, absolutely. Reek is a beast. But something about that move broke Zayn. Our original ‘StatMan’ froze up like Giannis at the free-throw line, and that was it. For the rest of the draft, bro was just going through the motions. Reclined on the couch, begrudgingly taking pictures with us on the balcony; Zayn didn’t even go out with us on that last night in Jaco.
I’m not sure what Zayn did the rest of that evening, but if I had to guess, I would have to assume he sat in his room, sulking at his draft performance. And honestly, I wasn’t sure why. Immediately following the draft, both Claude and I were out on the terrace, breaking down everyone’s rosters and admitted that while the Yahoo projections showed Zayn finishing 1-13 and in dead last place, he had a solid squad: an up-and-coming quarterback in Jordan Love, two stud WRs in Reek and Kupp, Travis Kelce, a perennial top-tier TE, and Ken Walker, a solid top-15 RB. Sure, the rest of his roster was a little thin, but with 3 or 4 players that could drop 20 points in any given week, we knew he’d be in the hunt in each matchup. The same couldn’t be said for our fellow owner and Zayn’s Costa Rican archenemy: Tony “Yahn” Johnson.
Who recalls this line 2 hours into the draft: “Hey guys, everyone look at Zayn’s roster… it sucks!” - Classic Yahn. If you were there on that gray and tepid afternoon, you can vividly recall the immediate pressure that encompassed the room. There was deafening silence in that moment, because while we all wanted to laugh, we also were very much aware that our fun-loving, always-amicable friend Zayn, was at that aforementioned edge of the cliff with Tone. And while we didn’t know how many straws were left on that camel’s back, it felt like we were only one snide comment away from Zayn blowing up on Johnson. After Tone continuously and quietly kept mocking Zayn’s ATV accident from the previous day, we all felt that it could be at any point now when Zayn halls off on him. So we chuckled silently, chests palpitating in a rhythmic but quiet humor. We saw it happening too, but didn’t want to push Zayn any further… “Hey Zach, you don’t think his team sucks?” asked Tone. I retorted with a simple declarative inquiry that came off as a conceding lawyer asking the judge for a brief recess after his client just got chewed out on the witness stand: “Cmon son.”
Tone fell back, but the damage was already done. Zayn had lost his fervor. And as much as I love him, it’s funny to see any man lose hope on day 1 of the fantasy football season. He didn’t talk much for the rest of the trip. We left the next morning to head back to the states, and on that ride from our condo to the airport, I’m not sure Zayn even said good morning to anyone. He sat in the front seat, as dejected as the day before. At the airport, he opened up a bit. We chatted about NJ Transit salaries, weekly suicides he encounters while riding the train (literally), dapped each other up and wished for safe travels as we headed back to our everyday lives and all that comes with it.
But revenge is a meal best served cold. And as the fantasy gods would have it, Zayn would reap his in the first week of the season. I was too busy in dry and uneventful trade talks with Sherva to even notice that Zayn’s week 1 matchup was against Tony. Tone didn’t mention it in the chat. Zayn didn’t talk about it either during the week. But I can imagine that he sat on his couch throughout what I’m sure was a pleasurable afternoon, basking in the delight of his team beating the breaks off of his lowly opponent. This wasn’t just any win. This was a complete shellacking. Scoring the highest point total of any owner in the inaugural week, Zayn obliterated Tony by a whopping 65.62 points! Add to that fact that Tone is starting off the season not just with an L, but at the bottom of the barrel, having the second lowest point total of the week and sitting in 11th place. But the gods wanted more: they snatched away Tone’s best keeper in Puka Nacua, leaving him with a PCL sprain that will send him to IR for at least the next 4 weeks. Zayn, in my Lebron James voice, this one is for you: … “Hey guys, everyone look at Tone’s roster now … it sucks!”
Karma came knocking twice this week in the JNIC Fantasy Football League, and guess who ended up on the wrong side of it? Our very own President of Statistic Aggregation, Stephen A. Haynes. Poor Steve — sometimes you’re just minding your own business, crunching numbers at your desk, and boom! You get swept up in the chaos, even if you weren’t the one who caused it. Classic case of ‘wrong place, wrong time.’
We’re not going to spend too much time on Steve. He offered up a stellar performance, owning the player with the highest point total of the inaugural week in Saquon Barkley. His week 1 loss isn’t on him. It’s on Robert Salah and his unusual decision, while down 13 points, to go for a two-point conversion in the beginning of the third quarter instead of just kicking the extra point. For today, let’s briefly shift our focus to that of Dunc Dynasty. Throughout the afternoon, Dunc mocked Dre for going ‘Owen 1.’ I have to almost admire this man’s ability to pay no attention to his own defeat and solely focus on that of his current rival. Imagine being arrested and thrown in jail, only to laugh at the other inmates for getting locked up. This is the type of delusion we’re dealing with here.
Unfortunately for Dunkioto, his predictions didn’t reign true. Because of Salah’s ridiculous coaching call, Steve lost by 0.2 points, giving Dre the slight edge. One would think that would silence the moor. It only emboldened him to double down and try to justify his follies with humorous memes that offered up nothing but a collective shaking of the head. Meanwhile, he lost to yours truly by over 20 points in a matchup in which he left significant points on his bench in Jayden Daniels and Xavier Worthy. Those two starts would’ve easily gave him the dub, but luckily for me, he missed out on capitalizing on the rookies’ debut. Better luck next week David!
It’s just week 1, but we all know that cats got ants in their pants. And even I, commissioner and fellow owner have some concerns coming out of the first week of the season. Let’s take a look at some week 1 busts and see if it’s time to panic or remain calm:
Marvin Harrison (Zach): 0.9 points - 1 catch, 4 yards … Rookie jitters or does Kyler Murray not trust his new toy yet?
Chris Olave (Dunc): 2.1 points - 2 catches, 11 yards … In a game in which the team scored 47 points!
Drake London (CJ): 2.5 points - 2 catches, 15 yards … How much he go for again? Kirk looking like a statue back there. But it’s the Pittsburgh D. They might make every offense they play look bad.
Amari Cooper (Lance): 2.6 points - 2 catches, 16 yards … Who remembers Lance yelling “Yesss!” when he won Amari? That Cleveland offense is looking like a disaster with Deshaun under center. And now dude has another sexual assault case against him. At this point, just call up Flacco again.
DeAndre Swift (Dunc): 5 ponts - 30 yards, 2pt conversion … Is this your Keeper?
Joe Burrow (Mel): 8.06 points - 164 pass yards, 15 rush yards … To make matters worse, Deshaun Watson is your backup QB. To make matters even more worse, Daniel Jones is your team’s QB. Triple Whammy!
Final Thoughts: it truly is just week 1. There’s a long season ahead of us men. Stay the course, fight the good fight. This week’s win or loss has very little effect on the outcome of your season, giving way for anyone to be the person holding the trophy in January and picking the 2025 Draft Weekend Destination. Best of luck to you all moving forward!
