Week 5: Bring Me His Head!
“Bring me his head!”
As we continue week-to-week in our league, I find myself not really having much to write about in these weekly reviews. I mean, we’re all seeing the matchups. We’re glued to our phones all day, everyday like it’s some sort of digital dopamine-inducing slot machine. There are less and less trades in our league each season (that’ll be another commish review for another time) and the waiver wire is piled up with dry bones. Candidly, the thrill is fading. So what can I discuss here to promote renewed enthusiasm?
Well, I’ve decided that this week, I’m going to promote what I think is potentially a great idea to keep our league moving in a path towards communal enthusiasm. Because frankly, that’s what we need. I love to see the banter between Dre and Dunc each week; it’s equally as invigorating as it is annoying to see Steve’s evolution into his Stephen A. Schefter role in our league, providing us with “you heard it here first” news updates. But beyond that - the league has become a little too … civilized. We need more rivalries, more shit talk; I miss the old Mel: the voodoo spells, garlic cloves, and sacrificial-goat-memes Mel. Where’s the former Sherva I came to love and appreciate? The one that would shoot me that random one-word text on a Wednesday afternoon during the week of our matchup … I enjoyed opening my phone and seeing that message: “Bum” … and going about my workday. We need more movement, fellas. More chicanery. More diabolical trade fleeces that would force the entire chat to question ‘what the hell just happened’ and dash to the chat to hit me, publicly or privately, with the “nah you gotta do something about this commish.”
I guess some of this is a matter of maturity, both within the league and as men. We all had a lot more time on our hands ten years ago in our 20’s. We had jobs back then. Now we have careers. Only two or three of you’s had kids back then. Now, even I am joining the parenthood club and trying to catch up with more than half the league who have multiple children to run after on a daily basis. But there’s also a wiser maturity within the league. We are years removed from having the ability to convince one another to make a trade that was only in one owner’s favor. We’ve got updated information, deeper understandings, and frankly, a data-driven fear of being called out that has caused a mass hesitancy to pull the trade trigger. (I’ll take the blame for that one, as I often was the catalyst to identify a “loser” of each trade like it was my own personal ESPN Trade Deadline Special broadcast.)
But here we are. In year 14 … a year I see as a year of demarcation as we push into a new era of our league: a matured league with a more savvy ownership community that seem more aligned with staying in the pack of average versus taking a risk that could equally catapult them to the top of the mountaintop as it could shoot their team to the bottom of the barrel. What do we do to combat this willingness to stay safe?
Two words: Guillotine League.
You may not have heard about this before but I have seen it in action and absolutely loved the experience. Allow me to explain…In essence you’d have two different JNIC leagues. In addition to our standard league (where the scoring system and playoff system would stay the same), we’d add our same draft day rosters to a second “guillotine” league. This league differs in the standard of survival. Each week, we’d simply play for points instead of head to head matchups. A 12-game season in which each week’s lowest scorer gets the chop and is cut from the league. Once cut, his entire roster would go to the waiver wire, making those players available for the surviving owners. The loser would also contribute $25 to a pot towards the winner of the guillotine league. No third place prize money. No second place prize money. Everything goes to the final survivor: at the end of week 12, a winner would be awarded $300.
If approved, we would start this as a trial next season. It’s low stakes - only $25 per person and only due upon being cut from survival each week. It’s a much better experience than the current survivor league that we have in which half the league was cut after week 1 with that Bengals pick and the other half forgot to put their picks in by week 3. That isn’t working for us lol. I believe this could.
Okay, I hope you gentlemen buy into this idea. I think it would be crazy fun. For now, let’s liven up the week ahead with a preview of the week 6 matchups:
Zach (-14.5) vs Zayn (+14.5)
I personally chalked this up as a win weeks ago when Steve and I were having a conversation about bye weeks. I reiterated the point to CJ in a convo earlier this week. “I can’t see this man beating me with Reek, Kelce, and Kupp on a bye; and Ken Walker facing the formidable Niners defense. Zayn’s only road to victory is if Jordan Love dices up the terrible Arizona defense.” … Zayn, you’ve already started Zayn’n on Wednesday. No need to even leverage that tactic this week. Just fold my brother. It’s over before it began.
My pick: Zach (-14.5)
Dunc (+7.5) vs. Lance (Lance: -7.5)
Jayden Daniels and the Pips… that’s Dunc’s team right now. JT is still limited in practice as of Thursday and didn’t play last week. Olave is going to be getting ducks thrown his way by either Spencer Rattler or Jake Haener. And Mark Andrews isn’t even the best tight end on his team. But hey, at least he has DeAndre Swift to hold it down, right? Good luck. On the other side, you’ve got CJ Stroud looking to show his skill set sans Nico Collins, Jordan Mason aka Jordan McCaffrey, and Kai Fairburn, a consistent 15-point per week kicker.
My pick: Lance (-7.5)
Will (-4.5) vs CJ (+4.5)
Sure, Will is sitting atop first place with a 4-1 record and a great roster. But I don’t like his matchups this week. Kamara’s limited in practice and going up against a division rival in Tampa. Year 2 LaPorta isn’t rookie LaPorta, but frankly, there’s not a single consistent tight end in the entire league. Chase has the best potential to be a 2+ TD scorer this week, but CJ’s players have great matchups. Dak is going to be throwing the ball all over the field to keep up with Detroit’s fast-paced offense that is probably going to score 35+ against that weakened Cowboys defense. Kirk will have a field day throwing to Drake London against the Panthers, and Derrick Henry is going up against one of the worst defenses in the league this year. Add to that that Tank should be seeing an uptick in targets with Nico Collins on IR; I smell an upset in the works.
My pick: CJ (+4.5)
Steve (-8) vs Kenny (+8)
Kenny, are you there? I feel for you brother. Your fantasy team, like the Jets, looks good on paper, but just aren’t producing. Hurts hasn’t looked like himself since early last year. And Zay Flowers has yet to truly blossom into the consistent WR1 that I’m sure you were expecting him to be. On the flip side, Steve has what looks like the Fantasy MVP in Saquon, and a backup RB that is playing better than the starter in Braelon Allen. And with a new offensive coordinator taking over the reins from Nostalgic Nate Hackett, I can see the Jets leaning more on their run game than they have since the season started.
My pick: Steve (-8)
Sherva (+10.5) vs Dre (-10.5)
Sherva, remember when I told you after the draft that you’re going to regret spending $40 on the quarterback position, suggesting that you trade one of those guys before their values deplete? And you responded with “I’m going to get better offers later in the season” … you remember that? Good luck getting any value for Pat Mahomes and his measly average of 14 points per game. There are QB’s on the waiver wire with more points than he’s got so far this season. And with the rest of your Chiefs players on IR (Rachee Rice and Isaiah Pacheco), I can’t see you making any sort of push for the playoffs anytime soon. Best of luck in this week’s matchup.
My pick: Dre (-10.5)
Mel (-3) vs Tone (+3)
This matchup all boils down to Nabers ability to get through his concussion protocol. Right now, he still hasn’t cleared protocol and only rode the exercise bike at practice today. If he can get his head on straight, respectfully, I feel like Mel could push through for another dub this week. If not, it’ll be a much closer matchup. Kyler is due for another Kyler-esque game against the Packers and I see the Terry McLaurin having to produce heavily in order for Washington to keep up with the Ravens offensive prowess. Chris Boswell might have to dole out 5 or 6 field goals for the Steelers to come out of their back-to-back rut. For these reasons, I’m going with the underdog.
My pick: Tone (+3)
